mental

I’ve been thinking about suicide a lot lately. Wait, don’t panic! Not in a real way, but in a Lyme way. There is a difference, and it is significant. Psychiatric problems from Lyme are well-documented and common. After all, there are, quite literally, bugs in your brain, wreaking havoc. So when I say I think about suicide, there is a layer once removed from actual thought of suicide. My recent psych problems dovetailed with an article I recently read about a family who has five sons suffering from Lyme. One took his own life. He was twenty-four. https://www.lymedisease.org/touched-by-lyme-when-the-perfect-storm-is-too-much-to-bear/

For me, the jags of crying, depression, anxiety and suicidal thoughts are  unwanted  surges in an unwell brain. The trick is to hold on and wait until the storm subsides. You might ask how I know this to be true. I’m not sure why. It could be a product of age and a lifetime of introspection. If I were much younger, or not used to examining my thoughts, I might think this was a real crisis. I’m not saying I haven’t felt depression and anxiety as true emotions. I have. The nature of Lyme neurological problems gives these feelings a different flavor.

When the surge subsides, it is though it never happened. There is no residual fallout, nor is there guilt, or lingering thoughts, another reason I know they’re not real. The inflammation Lyme causes acts as an electrical probe that homes in on the parts of my brain where emotion lives. It is more annoying than anything. A thought will pop up, unwanted and unconnected to much of anything (unless I’ve been on Twitter reading about the GOP and Trump), and lodge itself in the forefront of my brain for a few hours or a few days. I will cry at nothing. I might watch a cheesy movie, or watch videos like people reuniting with their dogs to help release the tears. It is a physical, not emotional reaction when Lyme is the cause, and I feel relief after crying. The depression/anxiety part is exceptionally frustrating. In the past, pre-Lyme, I sometimes got mildly depressed, and very, very occasionally experienced anxiety (like before my graduate school lecture, duh) but never in an irrational way. If you suffer from either of these regularly, wow. You have my deepest sympathies. My anxieties drift into obsessions, like buying lottery tickets or never leaving the kitchen dirty overnight. They don’t make sense, but it’s easy enough to pick up tickets or clean up.

I have never, not once in my life, thought seriously about suicide. I would go so far as to say I didn’t understand why anyone would want to take their life, until one cold February day two years ago when I was extremely sick, and had been for over a year. I realized I could easily reach a point where I wouldn’t want to go on if I knew I would never feel better than I did that day. This newer phase of neurological problems is more abstract, less direct and real. I’m not explaining myself well here. All I can say is that the flashes come and go quickly, and they don’t touch me deep inside. I’ve moved from being upset about them to being intrigued. What is happening in my Lyme brain? I’d love to have an MRI while I’m in the grip of what I call my Lyme neuroses/psychoses.

This is NOT a cry for help or a ‘poor me’ moment. It is an attempt to explain one of the more bizarre Lyme disease symptoms. I’m not embarrassed to talk about this the way I would be if I didn’t have Lyme (and that’s a whole other topic, why most of us would rather talk about our sex lives or money than admit to suicidal thoughts, anxiety and depression). It’s one of the dozens of strange things that Lyme does to my body, like my aching teeth and liver today. I didn’t recognize what was happening at first. Once I did, he imagery that came to my mind is from an old Star Trek movie, the one where Khan puts a worm in Chekhov’s ear. https://youtu.be/3i42Smtbmeg

Each reaction in my body becomes something I deal with. My coping skills have moved into gold-medal territory by now, honed by injuries, endometriosis, surgeries, and now Lyme. As for these particular symptoms? Marijuana blunts them, housework makes them bearable, and sleep removes them entirely. I cook, or watch stupid TV, or rage against Trump and the GOP on Twitter. I drag myself to work and forget about Lyme for a short while. I go out with friends if I can, and listen to their lives. I walk the dogs. I write obsessively and badly. One day I’ll wake up and my brain will have regained its’ equilibrium and clarity and I’ll get back to fully living for a while until the next cycle comes. Then I will go back to my mad coping skills until the storm passes once again.

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deflate

My favorite! I didn’t think anyone noticed this particularly delightful symptom, but they do. It’s when you feel pretty good—you’re shopping for furniture or at a concert at Red Rocks, or just playing pickleball when WHAM! Deflate. I’ve been thinking about exactly what happens, and how perceptive people can notice so quickly. I’m a fairly high energy person, sometimes hyper, even (feel free to correct me if I’m wrong, friends), so when I am quiet and still, it isn’t normal. The Lyme deflation is swift and complete, reducing me to a zombie-like trance. In the space of less than fifteen minutes I can go from peppy and happy to paper-doll flat (I really should insert a Tom Brady reference to Deflategate here, but I can’t think of one. Feel free. Really.).

Today I deflated an hour into playing pickleball. I have had a lot of bad days lately, not sure why, but am I ever sure why? The symptoms have all risen to above my neck. I still have liver pain, kidney pain, joint pain and fatigue, but those are all intermittent and no big deal. It’s the brain/eyes/teeth trifecta that make me miserable. For the past three or four weeks, my eyes have been wonky. My left eye has this giant grey floater that swings from side to side, daring me to shift my eyes from side to side, like I’m watching a bizarre tennis match inside my eye. It drives me crazy. I’ve had eye problems since the beginning of Lyme. Itching, burning, an eyeball ache, floaters, blurry spots, ghosting in my peripheral vision, and now this big grey glob in my eye.

I was playing okay, I was in a bitchy mood, which is not uncommon. I had energy and made most of my shots. About an hour in, my eyes acted up. I rubbed them and they teared and burned and that damn glob swung back and forth, distracting me from the ball.  Within minutes  my head pounded and my energy dissipated. A fullblown deflation. Two of the three players I was with stopped and asked if I was okay. Wow. I didn’t think I looked different when I deflated. As I left the court (after losing, goddammit!), I said I wasn’t feeling too well. They said they noticed. Others noticed when I gathered my things and walked out.

Why am I unaware of my own deflation? I mean, it’s happening to me, you’d think I’d notice. Perhaps all my energy goes into maintaining my composure while out in public. If I’m home and I deflate, I can collapse on the sofa or in bed and not worry. If I’m out doing something, it’s different. The energy it takes to simply walk or speak is almost out of my reach. I’ve been thinking about when I see this kind of collapse in others. A small child deflates naturally, several times a day, either into sleep, or a tantrum, or more often than not, a stupor. Maybe that’s what people see happening to me. I can stupor with the best  of them!

The silver lining is I’m not super aware of my collapse. I can acknowledge my decline and be aware that I have to get home. Other than that, my ability to respond to other people is pretty much gone. I think because I am usually gregarious and very tuned in to the moment I might get a bit of a pass from most of my friends. At least that’s what I hope.

I made it home, and now I am dressed in my favorite sloppy outfit, ensconced in my magic blue writing chair and high as a kite. Medicinal marijuana is a gift from nature. Don’t knock it until you’ve had Lyme. I hope this particular deflation doesn’t last too long. Hey, another silver lining: this may be the first time I have stayed coherent during my collapse! If you are my friend, don’t correct me on this one, please.

 

 

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