restless

I’ve moved enough times that there is a rhythm to each move. There’s the relief of deciding to sell the home and move. Then the flurry of activity necessary to get the house ready for selling. I had a head start on this house, because before COVID I had considered selling and got rid of a bunch of stuff. That was a great help. After that, there is the wait for someone to buy.

That’s where the rhythm sped up. I’ve never sold a home in a market like this one. It sold in three days. We only had one bid but it was the right one. Our realtor wisely negotiated for a sixty day close and an additional sixty day leaseback. Because the corollary for a hot seller’s market is a tough buyer’s market.

I really like our realtor. I hav known him for seven or eight years through swimming. He is a good swimmer, and I either swam a few lanes over in a slower lane or was lifeguarding while he swam. Showing up at a pool at 5 am, sleep tousled and in a bathing suit to voluntarily swim a few miles tells me a lot about a person. That’s how I knew he was a realtor, and it’s also how I knew I could trust him to be reliable and trustworthy.

I think it takes a certain type of personality to be a great realtor. You’re not so much as selling something as guiding someone through one of the most purchases most of us ever make. You have to get to know what the person wants, yet make it clear what they can have. You have to explain strategies and pitfalls and advantages and all sorts of terms. My daughter is a virgin home buyer, so a large part of our realtor’s job is to explain the whole process to her. Our realtor is pathologically cheerful and patient, and has done all of the above, and more.

So we have a contract. I’m working on all the problems of making repairs, which is always a hassle and has its own peculiar rhythm. In fact, everything about a move is a “hurry up and wait” kind of motion. Some days are spent worrying if you’ve done the right thing and other days are seemingly consumed in a flash with phone calls, appointments, and paperwork. If I add watching the Olympics or writing into the mix, it makes getting anything else done extremely difficult.

What I’ve discovered about myself is that I can no longer juggle multiple things and push through a hectic day without paying the price. I lose my train of thought on one thing when I’m interrupted and can’t get back on track. I fall asleep at eight pm and sleep until six but I don’t feel rested. What level of stress can I handle now? I guess I won’t know until I’ve tested the limits, and this move is proving to be the perfect situation.

I miss the rush of having a jam-packed day of chaos and knowing that I dealt with all of it. Katie and I were talking about the time she went back to her second semester of school in January 2005 and discovered that Pikes Peak Community College had a Zookeeping degree program. This was what she had been looking for. She withdrew from Mesa State, I came and got her, we drove to Colorado Springs, enrolled her in the program, found an apartment and moved her all within three days. I doubt I could do that now.

When we moved to this house I got the house in Evergreen ready between December twentieth and January fifth. Katie and I packed over 85 boxes. I also found a new house all before I left for Bennington, VT on January thirteenth for my first term of graduate school. I was still negotiating the contract on the shuttle bus from Albany to Bennington. When I returned ten days later, I had seven days to finish packing, close on both houses, hire movers, and move in February second. I know I couldn’t do that now.

This move is dragging out, though, because of the craziness of the market. I have started thinking about packing, but it’s too soon. Besides, I am getting rid of at least half of my stuff, maybe more. But that depends on where we move and how much space I will have and how much space Katie will have. Because this will be primarily her space, not mine. I’ll be a co-owner but not here for the day-to-day living. I’ll be in Tucson for a while, then I’ll be all over the place, I hope. Eventually I hope to live somewhere outside of the US for six months each year and travel to see friends/tennis tournaments/for pleasure for weeks at a time. It’s funny, that doesn’t seem daunting at all. Because I will have total control of my travel times, recovery times, and when I come and go. I won’t have to clean the house, or do yard work, or deal with all the everyday things that sap my energy.

The end result of all the chaos of downsizing my world will be worth it, though. A much smaller property which means much less upkeep. I’ll have a co-owner I can trust who happens to be my daughter. She is thrilled to finally be a property owner. A smaller payment, which means more money for living. And lastly, a great shedding of things from a former life. Time will tell if that will be liberating.

Share

guardian

I watch over myself like the guardian of a high-powered executive. Although the pay sucks and I’m anything but high-powered, I like to think I’m a pretty good gatekeeper. So I hoard my energy, get my rest, take the various drugs/herbs/supplements that are working at the moment, take care of the everyday tasks to be comfortable, and inspect myself endlessly. How am I feeling? Good so far? I’d better do the laundry, take a walk and write while I can. Still good? Great! I can go grocery shopping or keep studying Spanish.

Most days I lie down in the afternoon. Sometimes I take a nap. Other times I lay on my back and think. Sometimes I just play FreeCell for twenty minutes. Some days I don’t get up for hours. It all depends. And when it comes to a social life, I’m more like the harried chaperone of a future princess who would rather screw the stable boy (I know this is sexist and old-fashioned, but I can’t come up with anything better at the moment). Literally the only two people I will drop everything for are Dad and Katie. Everyone else will have to wait. Don’t fret, I don’t make people wait for long, unless I’m really sick and have turned off my phone and turned out the lights. Otherwise, at the very least I will text: Not feeling well. Talk to you later.

Needless to say, this looks a little hinky if you don’t understand what living with a chronic illness is like. It strains old friendships and puts a damper on new ones. But I’m the guardian of this body and mind for as long as I’m alive, so I have to be vigilant. And the one thing that gets my hackles up is when anyone thinks this is a choice. If by “choice” you mean conscious decisions to not expend energy that you don’t have so you don’t feel terrible, then yeah, it’s a choice.

The difficult part is acknowledging that some people require more of your energy than others. That’s good and bad. Sometimes the person works with you and you dread interactions because it is exhausting. I know plenty of people who feel that way about their parents. I have friends I love to be with, but we have so much fun that again, it can be exhausting. I don’t like this new habit of weighing every single activity and social interaction in units of exhaustion. The very act of sifting through all of this takes energy.

That’s another thing that’s hard to explain. From an outsider’s perspective, it looks like I’m doing fine. “Well, you took a walk this morning and attended a Zoom class, and you don’t look sick” means that I am doing a great job managing my energy. What they don’t see is all the things I didn’t do so I could do those two things.

One of the many ways Lyme sucks the energy right out of you is through social interaction. Texting is great. Emails are great. Talking on the phone is problematic, depending on how I feel and who it is. Zoom calls and classes are stimulating and tiring. Seeing people is always exhausting and I have to weigh what else is going on in my life before I commit to anything. If I have to go grocery shopping and then see a friend for lunch, it is near impossible to see people later, unless I’m looking forward to doing nothing for a few days.

I fight with myself a lot, the guardian clashing constantly with the part of my brain that wants to do whatever it wants. ‘Go ahead,’ it says, ‘eat that gluten-filled pizza/swim another 500 yards/go see that friend/take another writing class/go out late with friends/quit being such a BABY’.  The guardian steps in and reminds me that this might not end well. Sometimes I simply don’t have a choice, it is something that I must do, like travel between Tucson and Denver, or go to the doctor. Then I make sure I have blocked off plenty of time before and after to rest.

This strategy means that currently I am more well than sick, the relapses farther apart and less severe, the recoveries, if not easier, more bearable. This is good, right? Mostly, except when well-meaning people comment that ‘now I can get back to normal.’ It used to vex me, too, this idea that I’m doing so well I can go back to how it was before. But that’s the whole fucking point! This is my normal now. I will always be forced to plug any activity into the energy formula. If I don’t mind anymore, why does it bother other people so much?

I would argue that it is precisely this energy output strategy that has led me to my current state. The tougher my guardian is and the more time I spend taking care of myself, the better I feel. Now that I have given my guardian full control, taking care of me first has become easier. I still argue with her. However, I know my guardian is the one I have to respect. She is one mean bitch, but she always has my best interests at heart.

 

 

Share

Stalled

I been holed up lately, because there’s not much to say right now. Yes, I’m still sick. No, I don’t know if I’ll ever be completely well. No, there’s really no clear path or prognosis for me. Yes, it sucks. The uncertainty and grind of being sick for so long has started to wear me down a bit emotionally. Since I can’t change the fact that my future is not predictable or stable, I have to change the way I look at it. This is euphemistically called ‘adjusting my expectations. What a loathsome phrase. We all know it really means ‘tough shit, your life is not the same, it’s never going to be the same, and you’d better fucking get used to it’.  After four+ years of Lyme, I am stuck in the ‘almost well’ category. Why? Who knows. Maybe I’m not trying hard enough. Maybe my body reacts to things differently. Maybe there are other factors in my environment. Maybe I’m one of the unlucky few that just can’t quite get well.

It doesn’t really matter at this point, the adjustment has to be made. I’ve been working on accepting that I managed to get a serious illness since the onset of Lyme. Lyme keeps moving the bar and fucking with me. I get better, something pops up, I get sick again. What is truly mind-boggling is how obtuse I can be to the cycle.

It’s a level of stupidity that I can only ascribe to both Lyme and my own inclination to turn a blind eye to bad things. The signs are all there: I forget dates, I’m exhausted, I cry at nothing, I can’t concentrate, my neck hurts, my hands throb, and my teeth hurt. The same damn things every time and still I’m blindsided when I have another relapse.

After that, I accept the fact that I have to hoard my energy, and always plan for the worst. It makes my social life unpredictable and my working life difficult, but I do it, and without too much fuss. Emotionally, though, I struggle every day with adjusting. This is where I stamp my foot an scream “but I don’t wanna!” Lyme doesn’t give a rat’s ass what I want.

Picking which adjustment has been the hardest would be impossible. Is it that I can’t work full-time? Or maybe that I can no longer just up and do something. Perhaps it’s the uncertainty that if I DO do something, I might not get out of bed for a few days. It also could be how weak and puny I feel about myself when I get sick once again, as if my body is betraying me again. Maybe it’s the guilt I feel about constantly cancelling out on friends, or ignoring their emails, texts or phone calls because I just can’t summon the energy to talk to them like a normal person. It could be all these things, but I think the main thing is if I adjust, I am admitting I am an irrevocably changed person from Lyme disease.

For one thing, my life is much quieter than it was. It is amazing how having to parcel out your energy gives you a laser focus on what you want or need to do. I suppose I could blow off taking care of the house for a more active social life, or I could give up everything else and work full-time. Or I could simplify my life until I only have the essentials and free up time from maintenance for something else. Most people have to make some of these decisions, but not to the extreme that I do. When I decided to celebrate Thanksgiving and my birthday, it took four to five days beforehand devoted to resting and taking care of food and cleaning. Even then, I was knocked out the Sunday and Monday after Thanksgiving and my birthday party. It is ridiculous, and I hate it.

However, hate is an emotion that wastes a lot of energy. In fact, all extreme emotions use up energy. Love, hate, sorrow, anger, all suck the vitality right out of you, so they are best doled out in tiny portions. Bonus: I don’t have the energy to sweat the small stuff.  It’s been tremendously hard to wrap my brain around the various labels ‘adjusting’ conjures up: disabled, chronically ill, and malingerer come to mind. Once I get over that, I might be, no, I will be in a better place. If I know this to be true, then why is it proving so difficult?

Share