I have lost my stamina. I’ve become the person others look at to feel better. You know, the “my life sucks, but it could be worse, I could be as sick as Melissa” line. I know, because I’ve done that. Haven’t we all? One of my guilty pleasures used to be “Toddlers and Tiaras”. Yes. It’s horrifying. But I had the satisfaction of knowing I wasn’t one of those moms. It’s disconcerting to be on the minus side of the equation. You walk this line of wanting to appear strong and in control, but also being honest about being ill. It is shocking how much energy Lyme uses up. At the height of my illness, November through March of last year, there were days when stepping into the shower required a pep talk. There were times when Katie had to drive me everywhere, carry my purse and all the shopping bags, and sometimes handle the transaction (I’ll write about how I lost my mind…I’m simply not ready for that yet). I will be forever grateful to her for how she stepped up. I’m just now realizing how hard it must have been on her, seeing me wander through the house, dark circles under my eyes, a shadow of her once indefatigable mother.
On one of my doctor visits this June, we discussed what I could and couldn’t do, because I was starting to feel better. As in all things Lyme, it depended. It depended on how I felt that day, what meds I was currently on, how my liver was functioning, how hot is was (Lyme patients are notoriously sensitive to heat), etcetera, etcetera, etcetera. I was given a few guidelines. I could swim, but start with 300 yards and no more than 500. I could play pickleball, but be careful. I could go back to work, but not full-time. He cautioned me several times about doing too much. Of course, I ignored some of the advice. What did he know? I had stamina! HAHAHAHA! Lyme likes to fuck with you, and the joke is always on you.
By mid-July I was in full relapse mode. It was as bad as it had ever been. Damn, I was pissed! And humbled. If you’re not humbled by Lyme, you have an ego of Trumpian proportions. There is something powerful about hitting bottom. If you’ve never been there, I’m not suggesting a ride down, but if you’ve found yourself there you know what I mean. I wallowed down there a while and reached the strange nexus of choosing to rise and also not giving a damn. You get stripped down to what matters in your life. The problem for me is as I rise back up, I start to give a damn once again and I second guess myself. Worse, I let myself hope without any expectation or guarantee that what I want will happen. This messes with my head. I’m not the same person I was before Lyme. I had stamina. The definition of stamina is “the ability to sustain prolonged physical or mental effort.” Well, I could sustain the prolonged physical effort of surviving at the bottom for a long fucking time.
But what if there is no bottom, just a boulder to push up an endless hill? Don’t we all feel like life is a Sisyphean punishment sometimes? I hit a point where I could see, for the first time, the possibility that ending your life could be preferable to suffering. This is quite different than contemplating suicide. It’s the acknowledgement that everyone has a point where the suffering is too much to bear. At what moment did I choose to crawl upward, Lyme be damned? At what point of suffering would I give up? I would never put myself in a position to get Lyme again (although I’m sure I could bear it—we can all stand much more than we think).
Stamina has a cost. I am weaker that I was. I have to plan for the possibility that Lyme may have altered my life irrevocably. I have no idea what the future looks like. I hope there’s love and happiness and meaning and purpose. I need stamina to create this reality with what is left after Lyme. And I want to get back that “I don’t give a damn” attitude, because I was fearless. I haven’t lost all of it, but doubt creeps in. I’m not a shadow of my former self. I’m morphing into a better self. It is as hard as being sick. Sometimes it’s harder, because I was already pretty great. HA! There’s that I don’t give a damn attitude. I’m going to need that. And stamina.