intuition

I run hot and cold on trusting my intuition. There have been times when I know down to my bones that I am doing the right thing. Other times, I waffle, unsure if I can trust my gut feelings. Intuition is a slippery beast, a decision based on feelings, without evident rational thought or interference. I borrowed the last part of that sentence from Merriam-Webster. Rational thought is considered far preferable to intuition in our linear Western way of thinking. I always get into trouble when I try to apply logic to intuition. The best case scenario is one where logic reinforces my intuition. As if that ever happens.

There’s another dimension that I wouldn’t have seen at first, if my friend Morgan hadn’t pointed it out. She is a fellow lifeguard, a debater and one smart cookie. The monkey wrench is what I want or need. How many times have I ignored my gut feelings because I wanted or needed something? Or thought I did? A helluva lot more times than I care to admit. So much, in fact, that at times I have lost faith in my ability to intuit. After all, I can’t seem to stay married, my writing hasn’t set the world on fire, and I am struggling to define a new life. That is not a great track record.

On the other hand, I have a circle of fabulous friends, a close relationship with my daughter and dad, and a stable life. Dating is…interesting. It is as much about who I am as it is about finding the right person. I’d argue that figuring out me is harder than finding the guy, but so far, the race is neck and neck. How much can I trust my intuition on this front, especially in the age of electronic courtships? Can I read between the lines and see what is, or is that placing a layer of both logic and want over the whole thing? Or am I overthinking everything?

Words can be arranged to present whatever I want to the other person. I can make myself a far better person with words. So can he. So can anyone who is a wordsmith. I can think about what I want to say, and there are no nonverbal signals to agonize over. On the other hand, (I always feel like Tevye in Fiddler on the Roof when I do this…) sometimes the distance allows for a candor that would be hard to achieve face to face. I think texts and emails are epistles in hyper-speed. What would Jane Austen have done in modern times? And why in the world would I sometimes prefer texts and emails to a real live date?

It’s not a preference, but a reality. I don’t go out and simply meet someone based on their picture and a few paragraphs of bland description. I test the waters with words first. Some men are not writers and they drop off the radar fairly quickly. Others are terrific writers, but they are too this, or not enough that. The few that make it through that gauntlet get a face to face. This all sounds brutal, and to some extent, it is. Fortunately, aspiring writers have tough hides. I know now that some rejections are personal, but most are not.

Not sure how this turned into a dating blog, but I do know how Lyme ties in. I spent a lot of time denying my intuition. If I had trusted it, I would have demanded a thirty-day course of Doxycycline the minute I showed flu-like symptoms after my tick bite. I did not. I spent a further year ignoring and denying the strange symptoms that cropped up: tingling in my hands and feet, bizarre aches and pains in my joints and muscles, eye problems, a sore throat, head and neck aches, etc, etc, etc. My dad and Katie urged me to fly to New York to get a diagnosis. I did. I cried when the doctor confirmed what my intuition had told me nearly fifteen months earlier.

Once diagnosed, I made it my business to read everything I could on Lyme. Then I made it my business to trust my intuition. I chose not to have insurance (far easier than you might imagine, and incredibly freeing). I am in charge of my treatment, in collaboration with my Lyme Literate MD, who embraces the whole body approach to illness. I take pharmaceuticals, because I have to in order to kill the three bugs industriously multiplying in my body effectively. I do acupuncture, because it relieves many of my toxicity symptoms. I take many herbs and supplements, because they add subtle, real support to my sick body. I don’t eat dairy, gluten, or sugar. I don’t drink alcohol or caffeine, because all these dietary changes keep my body from being inflamed. I don’t care what other people do, I trust my intuition that these are the right things for me.

I’m going to take this newfound confidence in my own intuition and apply it to dating, writing and life in general. I’m working on not putting my wants and needs first, or applying too much logic into the equation. I will not overthink. I’ll have to give that some thought. Shit. That one’s gonna be a problem.

 

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