Now that I am attempting to resume my interrupted life, I’m discovering a few things. Earlier in my life, I had many surgeries, mostly for having a reproductive system, but also cryosurgery to repair a torn retina and ACL replacement. After each of those surgeries, there was a period of time that I simply lost. Things were misplaced. Bills were not paid, or paid twice. Books were read and completely forgotten. Lyme brain fog is an entirely different animal. If I ever wanted to know what early Alzheimer’s, psychosis, deep depression or OCD were like, I’ve found out. Lyme mimicked all of those things at one time or another, sometimes at the same time. My brain was, quite literally, inflamed.
I’ve struggled to explain what an inflamed brain is like. At one point I felt as though I were on tranquilizers and paralytics while drunk. Other times I felt as though I were on a never ending acid trip while severely depressed. There were still other times that I felt like I was coming out from general anesthesia. None of it was pleasant. It also lasted for SEVEN MONTHS. Not every once in a while. Every. Single. Day. If you saw me during this time, count yourself as one of the few. I hid myself away as much as possible. I had hours of lucidity, the occasional rare day of partial sanity. That was almost worse, because I would realize what was happening.
These were the months of scribbling in my notebook, trying to keep track of what was happening to me. These were the months of letting Katie lead me around the grocery store, helping me make decisions and handling the payment and bags. These were the months of moving from my bed to the sofa back to bed, watching bad tv or listening to music or simply existing, like an eggplant or something.
I haven’t always lead with my brain. I don’t know why not, other than I took my brain for granted. I have never taken my looks for granted. Is there a difference in the way men and women are rewarded for having brains? Most certainly. Are some people threatened by other people’s intelligence? Definitely. What I didn’t realize is how much of my personal identity is tied up into being smart. It is probably the most valued asset I have (that, and my optimism). To lose what you perceive as your greatest strength is devastating. You can’t articulate what your fears are because your fears have come true: you’ve lost your marbles.
The nice thing about an inflamed brain is that you’re not quite aware how fried you really are. Things sort of melt away. Days drift along, one much like another, a wet, gray blanket of blankness. The minute you can think, depression and anxiety crowd out rational thought. For me, medical marijuana and bad television made the worst days if not tolerable, survivable.Schedules and goals, no matter how small, helped, too. Get up. MAKE THE BED. Make coffee (Decaf now <SIGH>). Eat something. CLEAN THE KITCHEN. Go back to bed. Sleep. Get up. Stare at the TV (it’s interesting that, like everything else from this time, I have the memory of watching but none of the details). Try to walk the dogs. I actually accomplished this almost every day, even if it was less than a quarter mile. The dogs have been stalwart companions through all of this, and their companionship made my life immeasurably richer. Unconditional dog love is real, people!
My mental faculties are returning. I still have lapses. I talked to a patron at the pool this week. She asked me if I had read Eudora Welty. Of course I had, I knew this as a certainty. However, I could not recall one title, one plot line or character. Holes remain, and I don’t know if they will refill or simply disappear. Memory is a slippery creature at best, Most of us simply trust that what we remember is true, we don’t delve too deeply in the mechanics that make it so, nor do we give credit to memory as personality. After all, who are we if we don’t have memory and thought? I lost both temporarily, and it was like I had been erased.